Apr 24, 2012 | Comments
I meant to post last on the 15th but I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel like I should blog. It just didn’t feel right to do so. Even now, I’m not so comfortable posting this but I just need to get it out, which is why it’s private. Only three people have the password to my private posts so I guess it’s not that bad.
On the 15th I received a text from a friend asking about our mutual friend, T.
T’s one of my closest guy friends whom I affectionly call Muffin. We went to the same junior high together and we both excelled at the extreme sport of procrastination. I told Muffin everything about life. I trusted him with all my secrets. However, within the past year I haven’t really talked to him that much. We’d see each other in the halls and say a quick “Hi how are you?” and go on to our classes. Sometimes there was a hug. Him ruffling my hair. Poking each others sides. The usual friendship shenanigans.
So my friend asked if I had talked to Muffin lately and to check his Facebook page. I said no and proceeded to look at his wall on Facebook. There was a single post that I saw right away. It was a RIP message from his sister. At first I couldn’t really believe it. “Oh it’s a practical joke or something.” But as people started commenting and more wall posts began to appear, I realized that it wasn’t a joke. Somehow, I had a small shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, it was a joke after all.
Still, I couldn’t sleep right away that night. I cried and prayed that this wasn’t real. When I walked into the band room for practice this morning, I felt like throwing up. His sister, M, is in band and plays the flute, just like me. She’s the sweetest girl I know and she’s always smiling. So when I saw her crying, I was filled with dread. It wasn’t a joke. T’s really gone.
Me and my friend A didn’t say anything but we went over and hugged her. I tried to keep myself from crying because it would just be selfish of me. It was so hard, especially when M started shaking in my arms as she sobbed. The only thought in my head was, “T, why did you leave her behind, this sweet little girl who just loves you to death? What happened to make you leave?”
At that point, I didn’t really know what happened exactly but I had a vague feeling. I still don’t like to say it because it just makes me shiver all over.
First period comes and goes and then it’s time for second period. While my teacher was explaining every single meaning of every single sentence and word and punctuation mark of Heart of Darkness, another teacher walks in and gives her a sheet of paper. A troubled looked crossed over my teacher’s face and she sighed. I clenched my jaw and buried my head into my book.
Half an hour passes and my principal’s voice comes onto the intercom, “Please excuse this interruption. Teachers please read out the handout you just received. Thank you.”
“We learned that over the weekend that T.W. passed away…”
I ground my teeth so that my mouth wouldn’t wobble or let out a cry. It was official. Really official this time. I spent the rest of the period trying not to cry. I couldn’t believe that Muffin was gone.
After that the week went well actually. I tried not to think about it during the day, and it worked. I said my prayers for him every night.
Friday was the funeral.
I’ve never been to a funeral so I was scared. I was bit late but I managed to see two of my friends who I stood next to the whole time. It was crowded. I kind of expected it. Muffin has a lot friends. He was just so outgoing and cheerful and kind that all kinds of people flocked to him. So we literally stood a few inches away from the entrance where tons of over people where standing as well for the whole time.
Muffin’s friend, appropriately nicknamed Cupcake, made a speech. It was wonderful. So many memories flooded into my mind at the time. I giggled at some of the hilarious teenage shenanigans and cried at the parts when it seemed like Cupcake couldn’t hold it together. But he did and I never felt so proud for him. This is cheesy, but I was filled with love for some reason.
As it came to a close, I had a sudden urge to see his face. One last time. But I was in the back and I couldn’t make it to see him in time. Maybe it was better if I didn’t. I probably wouldn’t have handled it.
When they brought out the coffin, all the emotions I held in that past week burst out of me. I sobbed into my friend’s shoulder as I watched as his best friend since the age of seven carried the coffin into the hearse. As I watched as his father quietly sobbed in his arm as the other men held him. As I saw his sister turn her head away and cry out loud. I couldn’t believe it. Was that really Muffin in that coffin? What was his expression? And as silly as this sounds, was it really him? I was filled with immense sorrow and anger at that moment. Anger at myself, anger at him, anger towards whatever had caused this… I still kind of am but now it’s considerably less.
After the hearse drove away, I made me way to say my condolences. All I could say was “I haven’t seen you in a while” and I hugged Cupcake for the longest time. I suddenly realized how long it was since I talked to him and how long it was since I told anyone any of my secrets. Then I went to hug Muffin’s sister. It was a quick one. I don’t know her that well. She looked at me and with the bravest and strongest face I have ever seen she said, “If you want anything of Tai’s, let me know.” That’s another topic entirely.
I lingered around. Hugged. Cried. Said good byes. I left feeling better.
I’m still a bit unsettled. The halls seem emptier. I miss him. But little by little, I’m getting used to it. I’m not sure about his family though, especially his sister. They must have it so hard. I can’t even begin to imagine it. For now, I’m going to pray for him and his family. I hope he can hear my prayers.