May 26, 2019
This morning I’m sitting here in my condo, alone, at my little dinner table. All I hear is the sound of my dryer chugging away a couple feet away from me. My knees are drawn up to my chest as I hold a book in one hand and my over every so reaches into a bowl of cereal and guides granola bits into my mouth. I’m not wearing pants, just an oversized t-shirt. I take a break from reading to take a drink of some tea. Then it hits me: this is it. This is always what I imagined living by myself would be like. I can see my humble IKEA shelf, one square section filled with books. And a stack of library books on my dinner table. I see my gaming computer with dual monitors and a fancy light up keyboard just peeking over my laptop screen. My yarn and such sit under my desk, for those times when I’m watching videos or listening to music and I can just crochet. I’m facing my windows and it’s a bright and sunny day. Spring is finally coming around and everything is turning green and some trees are blossoming into a deep dark purple.
I’m not sure if this is happiness. There is still a part of me that feels a little empty, even as I type this and reflect on this. I’ve made a mess eating my cereal and I’ll have to sweep it up later. I miss my boyfriend and I spent a somewhat regrettable night being with family yesterday. I wish I was making more money. I wish I wasn’t so fixated on money. I wish I was prettier. I want bigger boobs. I wish I wasn’t so vain. I wish I could carry on nice meaningful conversations with others. I want to travel more. I’m eating too much lately. Planks are hard. I wonder if I’m taking everything for granted as a woman living in a Western society. I think about Alabama and cybersex crimes and the video of those South Korean girls on the Sewol ferry and how that one girl who was crying, “I’m so scared” while her friends were trying to laugh and enjoy their final moments while knowing they were all probably going to die. My head and heart is spinning.
But for a moment, I was able to forget about it all.