May 2, 2014
Long weird sappy feelings. So much sap and cheese and this sounded better in my head because I kinda read it in a certain way. Man, I just don’t know. Also, for the love of gulay, the end of a line does not mean “pause.” Punctuation means “pause.” Yes, you’re supposed to run out of breath (I’m kinda slightly asthmatic though, so).
but i won’t ever text you again
and i hope you never text me again either.
usually i love communication that doesn’t involve me
actually speaking but with you, it’s different.
there’s a disconnect.
a disconnect between you and your words, your words
that appear in the form of pixels
and not in the form of your voice
it just doesn’t feel like you.
it feels strange and foreign
it’s like a translator sucked away your personality
and in their place put in words that barely make sense
even though when i’m speaking to you
your accent is thick and heavy and
your words still don’t really
make sense to me but at least it’s you.
and one of my favourite things about you
is the way you talk.
you talk with your face.
your lips mischievously curl upwards and
they push out at certain syllables and
in moments of confusion your brows furrow and
your lips purse and
when you’re not talking, you look at me so intently
and so full of purpose like
“i’m listening to you and by god i will listen to you.”
even though i’m sure you’re just
being polite and don’t actually think that but i guess
you’re just that convincing.
and it’s weird because my anxiety is worse
when i’m texting you, even when just
the thought of talking to people face to face
shakes me so bad to the point where i feel like
i don’t want to live anymore, or
i don’t deserve to live anymore, or
i don’t even have the ability to live normally anymore.
and even though i feel that way before talking to you,
it disappears as soon as i say “hi”
and with others it lasts until they’re out of the room
and i’m in at bed at night where i pick
apart my words and use them to pick apart my mind
and i wish i knew why.
but i guess the point is,
but let’s never text again.