Dec 2, 2013
My heart hasn’t gone doki doki in a while. The last time I can remember is when I was in my freshman year of high school when I was crushing on my first boyfriend1. This was, of course, before last Friday.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have my first class with three of my friends. We all have a break after the class so we eat together. Last Friday, we decided to eat in the ICT building. The first floor of the building has lecture halls, a lot of seats, and some food vendors. The other six floors have some lecture halls but are mostly offices for graduate students and professors. Usually we eat in the building across the road. I prefer it in the other building because the chairs and tables aren’t fixed like in ICT and my next class is in that building. However, my friend had hawk-like eyes and saw an empty table in ICT while we were walking through. Why continue to walk through the building and across the street when you can just sit down right away? University logic.
Like I already mentioned, the chairs at ICT are fixed. Four to a table. It’s great when it’s just the four of us together but when there’s one more, it gets hairy. Thankfully the table next to us only had one girl in it and let our fifth addition to the group sit there. Macha and Jean Paul2 were fangirling over Shingeki no Kyojin. I haven’t finished watching it so I tried my best to ignore their conversation and instead turned my attention to Beardo and Shane3. I was immersed in my conversation, that is, until the elevators across from my opened and a large group of people poured out. I glanced at them, since anything moving catches my eye, and in that group, I see my TA from computer science. I shifted my eyes back to Shane talking, but all I could pay attention to was my heart thumping loudly in my ears and him out of the corner of my eye. “Doki doki!” my heart practically screamed.
Why did I have such a reaction to my TA?
I find it too weird that I could possibly have a crush on my TA. He’s old
4, can barely speak English, is dorky, and not that attractive. On the other hand, he’s an older man and therefore more mature, knows two languages, is adorable, and still a bit cute. Did I just write that? Now I know why they call them crushes: I’m absolutely crushed. A crush doomed right from the start!
Anyway, an hour later (because all my friends and I do is sit together for like three hours), I see senpai come back from the front doors. We locked eyes. His default face is cute, although he looks angry. I wave. Dammit, Beardo is in the way! As senpai disappears behind Beardo and reappears from behind Beardo, he gives me a crooked grin and waves back. Wow, my heart nearly exploded. I was grinning from ear to ear. I turned to Macha but she didn’t notice. I’m glad no one really noticed.
Me: My TA is super smart.
Beardo: Is he super cute?
Me: *Lies through my teeth* Ehh… Kinda
— Beardo and I talking on the train yesterday
Now that I think about it, I had a lot of doki doki moments with senpai last week. On Tuesday, senpai walked up to me and genuinely wished me luck on our group demo. He looked really sincere and I just liked hearing him tell me good luck two times in one conversation. The next was on the next day. Chan5 said, “Our TA got a haircut.” I looked around and I saw senpai being talked to by the professor with his new haircut. It’s a really cute haircut!! It makes him look younger. I instantly grinned. When he came to collect our assignments, I complimented him on his haircut. He did his cute crooked grin thing and was all, “Really?” He turned his head to the side, still grinning. “I got it yesterday.” OsuDude made a comment about how his default haircut was the same thing. Senpai laughed and said, “Default haircut?” All the while, people were walking up to him to give him their assignments. He stayed there for a little longer, even though we really had nothing to say to him anymore.
Then there was Thursday. I face palm when I think about Thursday. Before the tutorial I was sitting in the computer lab waiting for the class in the room to be done. I stood up and instantly I just happened to lock eyes with senpai as he walked down the hall. Awkward. I’m so awkward! I stood outside the room, pretending to fiddle with my iPod. The room was mostly empty and my TA just stood in the doorway like, “Aren’t you going to come in?” So I did. I flashed a quick hi and immediately sat down. He approached me instantly, because I was really the only one there. He asked me how the demo went and went off on his way. He then came back (when my group members came) and criticized them jokingly for not doing work. “Look she’s painting!” Chan asked him if he had a watch and when senpai lifted up his left sleeve, Rayman was all I TOLD YOU to Chan6 I asked senpai if he was right or left handed. He said he was both and said something about something happening 20 years ago. I then asked him how old he was. Awkward. Awkwaaaard. He said to guess. Chan guessed 22. LOL. Rayman guessed 28. Senpai said he was close. I said 25 because that’s what I desperately wanted his age to be. He’s 27. Then Rayman was all, “You’re ten years older than me!” Senpai made this cute noise and turned to walk in the other direction out of embarrassment. “I’m old!” he said as he came back. He proceeded to ask us our ages. Rayman 17. Chan 18. Myself, 18 almost 197. He was all, “First year you should have turned 18 or turn 18! Are you a first year?” I said no, second year. He said, “Impressive.” I replied with a “not really.” At the back of my mind I was like LOL YOU’RE THE DUDE GETTING HIS PHD NOW THAT IS IMPRESSIVE. He left and came back and asked me what my agenda was. “I see you everyday, you bring it to class but I don’t know what it is! What is it?” I told him he was all “Good” and left. LOL. While I was doing my work, I senpai was helping out this kid in the row in front of me. I saw senpai leaning on the table, facing my direction, and glancing at me occasionally. Cute. Cuuuuuute. And awkward. Soooo awkward. When I got up to leave, he ditched the kid immediately and walked over to me. “You’re leaving?” Yeah. “I won’t be in class tomorrow.” Me inside: Nooooo. “Nathaly can handle it.” Really? No way. I look down. We awkwardly say bye and he tells me “Have a good day.” So awkward. So adorable. So cute. So old. So weird. :(
Why does my crush have to be a foreign TA?? For all I know he’s engaged or married. However I think that’s highly unlikely because I’ve seen him alone with a girl one more than on occasion8. Okay, maybe he has a girlfriend. And the cultural barrier. The language barrier. The possible religious barrier. The age gap barrier. The teacher-student relationship barrier. Too many barriers. It was not meant to be, I think. I’ll give it a shot anyway after I get my marks back.